Am I Myself? Haunted by Doubt
Posted on Thu Oct 31st, 2024 @ 9:12pm by Lieutenant Gunnar Arnason
1,987 words; about a 10 minute read
Mission:
What Lies Ahead, Between, and Behind
Location: Starbase Aeon
Timeline: several years ago
Tags: haunted
Gunnar debated briefly whether he should at least check on Jess, but he knew T'Ango well enough to have sensed that her news was distressing, but not a KIA or MIA notice. It was also clear that the news was private. While Jess had been very kind and welcoming toward him after he'd returned, it had only been a couple days since they'd met and this was no place for someone who was still mostly a stranger to her.
...especially someone who feels like a stranger to himself...
He shook the thought away. It was just the unsettled feeling of being in a place that ought to feel comfortable and familiar, but somehow did not. He's studied psychology as part of patient care, especially the aspects most likely to touch on patients in Starfleet. Rationally, he knew that this is to be expected. He'd spent months in a situation where awareness of even small changes in routine or surroundings or people around him had been necessary for survival. Now a radical change in environment, even though it was a very good one, had him a bit on edge. Eventually he'd adjust...
*Shw-chiink!*
He spun at the sound...
...A man advances on him, knife drawn.
"Your damn Starfleet killed my brother!" he snarls, brandishing the blade. "They want you back, I say we send them your CARCASS!"
The knife slashes and he jumps back! His back hits -
...the railing.
A merchant grabbed his arm to keep him from falling. "Are you alright?"
Gunnar blinked, put a hand on the railing, steadying himself. "...yes."
"Good," the merchant said apologetically. "I didn't mean to startle you. Some kit wedged this," he held up a pint-sized pirate's sword, "into my display. Guess I yanked a little hard getting it out."
"It's okay. I was... just distracted." Gunnar headed off, embarrassed at jumping at a kit's toy. I'm just over-tired. I should go back and try to rest... maybe have a drink and find a game to watch if I can't sleep...
Outside his quarters, a few minutes later Arnason was about to open his door, when heard someone behind him. He stiffened on reflex. Relax... It's just someone passing in the corridor...
"Mr. Arnason."
Or not. He turned. "Yes?"
"Agent Khell, Internal Affairs," the short Betazoid stated peremptorily. "I have some questions."
"Yes... I remember you." Gunnar's brows drew down. "If this is about Lt T'Ango..."
A look of mild alarm crossed Khell's face - he could still remember the way she'd pointedly flexed her claws while fixing him with a murderous glare. "No, no, not all. If you're expecting her, I can come back. I don't want to interrupt anything."
Gunnar smiled, mildly amused; the last time Khell had come by to ask questions, he'd riled T'Ango to the point of inviting him to dinner - as the main course. "I don't expect to see her tonight. But it's late. Can I ask what this is about?"
"I'm sorry for the late hour; I tried to catch you earlier. I've been investigating the possibility that Fleck's organization has agents within Starfleet," he said, lifting the PADD he's carrying. "I read your statement about your ...experience with them and I have a few questions."
"Of course. Please, come in." He opened the door and gestured to a chair, taking the one opposite. "I tried to give a full accounting for the debriefing, but I was barely back on my feet. If clarifying something will give you a lead, I'm glad to help in any way I can."
"Thank you." Sitting, Khell opened his PADD. "Your counselor said that you were eager to return to duty. Does that mean you are well enough now for a thorough interview?"
"I believe so." It might not be 100% the truth, but if there was any chnace he could prevent another attack, he had to try.
"Good. Now then... " the agent looked at his PADD, "The man who shot you and took you prisoner was a former Starfleet officer. Was he known to you?"
"Yes. We had served together on OP112."
"What was your relationship prior to when he left Starfleet? Did he have reason to target you?"
Gunnar shrugged slightly. "No. I had treated him for injuries once or twice, but we didn't really interact much beyond that."
"Ah. I suppose that's why the question was omitted..." Khell made a note. "The officers who debriefed you were also from OP112, so they didn't see a reason to ask." Or had too much sympathy toward you to press you about it... well played volunteering to be debriefed while still in the hospital... "How well did the interviewer know you?"
"He had worked with Lt. T'Ango on several missions, but I know him only slightly."
Getting someone sympathetic to someone sympathetic to you. Well played. Khell made another note. "I must admit I'm surprised there was no prior history. You also say that after he took you captive, Daggett tried to protect you from abuse and eventually helped you to escape." He pursed his lips. "It seems a little odd, don't you think? The man who shot and abducted you turns around and helps you escape, even knowing that you would disclose everything you'd learned to Starfleet." He paused a long beat. "You have told us everything?"
"Yes," he stated, adamant - he could understand the suspicion, but felt offended, nonetheless. "If you're implying I made some deal in exchange for my freedom, you're wrong. Do you know how many times I heard rants about Starfleet - either for intervening or for not intervening - and tales of aggression by Sindareen, with only the Resistance to oppose them? If I had wanted to exchange my integrity for freedom, I would have pretended to be swayed to join them." He frowned. " I couldn't carry off that level of deception - not even to look for a chance to escape."
"If you say so..." Khell made another note. "You stated that you were tortured, but sporadically and never seriously interrogated, only asked general questions about people from OP112 and Aeon."
"Which I did not answer," Gunnar insisted. "I'm a nurse. All they could hope to get from me was HUMINT. I wasn't worth sustained effort."
Khell tapped the report on his PADD. "But you were subjected to psychological pressures. Dyson Fleck sounds like sociopath with sadistic tendencies ...and Abram Daggett was the good cop protecting you from him. For months."
Gunnar stiffened, sure now that the agent wasn't looking for information on other suspects but investigating whether he'd been compromised. "Do you think I wasn't aware of that? I'm not naive, Agent Khell. It wasn't until it was literally a matter of life or death that I let myself trust Daggett ...and even then I wondered if it wasn't going to turn out to be some sort of set up."
The agent leaned forward slightly. "But you do trust him now?"
"I... He proved trustworthy in helping me escape, but if he came to me for something now," he shook his head, "I would not betray the people here for him. There were frictions in the Resistance leadership and I believe he was becoming disillusioned, but he could have left. He chose to stay."
"Hmm... " he wrote another note, "You must admit, it seems strange - of all the hostages you were the only one abducted and kept as a prisoner. Fleck released Admiral Luc, but Daggett held onto you. Why do you think that was?"
Feeling uneasy about where this is going, he tried to center, but found his thought racing - not only was it turning into an interrogation, but he's asked that question himself many times, and some of the potential answers were disturbing. "I honestly don't know. He said that he thought he was saving my life... He'd been in security. Most security officers regard shooting a medic to be particularly barbaric...so he was trying to atone..." he frowned, remembering, "...but throwing me in a carry after the way I'd been shot... it's a miracle he didn't kill me."
Khell looked over his notes. "I don't see any mention in your statement of trying to fight him... " He lifted his brows. "Did you struggle? Try to escape?"
What are you implying...? Swallowing reaction, Gunnar answered almost clinically. "I was in extreme pain and hemorrhaging blood. I blacked out within moments."
He scribbled a note. "So you say."
Gunnar was shocked. He thinks I'm a collaborator...that my capture was staged so I could return to them and then come back without suspicion... His mind flashed to what Renee had said about Ash returning only to be thrown in prison for treason and he felt his chest constrict with alarm. ...He intends to have me locked up... His eyes narrowed. "Are you accusing me something, Agent?"
Picking up the last thought - technically he wasn't allowed to read thoughts without the subject's permission, but he'd seen Arnason's reaction and had to 'peak' - Khell compressed his lips against a smile. Ha! I knew there was something wrong about you - no nurse goes hand-to-hand with a Sindareen. And all this time you've been worming your way into that Dosadi marine's confidence... He smirked. "I'm only asking questions, Lieutenant. There are a lot of ways into the human mind, a lot of ways to condition someone without them realizing it or alter their memories of it." He tapped his PADD. "Dr. Divash ran a scan of your memory engrams, but that isn't conclusive."
...She never told me... Did _she_ think I'd been compromised? The thought pained him, but she was Orion. Of course she checked. Her father would have done the same thing with a returned crewman as a matter of course, no matter how loyal he believed the man to have been. "It should show if there was tampering."
Not if you were already a traitor before they took you... "There were unusual chemicals in your system, ones you yourself identified. Even a basic telepathic scan can fooled if memories are replaced or buried," he explained, and leaned forward, adding, "especially with the subject's cooperation."
Gunnar felt a flash of anger; an emotion he wasn't unaccustomed to - it took a lot to spark his normally cool temper. "I'm NOT a traitor!" Regaining control, he unconsciously fell into the stony detached manner he'd used when Fleck or one of the others tried to provoke him. "We have an expert on brain injury and memory at the station hospital. I will undergo whatever tests or scans she recommends." He met the man's eyes coldly. "However, unless you intend to arrest me, this interview is at an end."
"Very well. I'm not arresting you, Mr. Arnason, but don't leave the base," he said getting up and headed to the door. "I'll show myself out."
Gunnar sat stock still until he left and then dropped his head into his hands. There were cases were investigators had their entire memories replaced with their cover story ...How could ever prove his innocence beyond that sort of doubt?
...and how could he be sure nothing of the sort had been done to him...
The thought had haunted him since he returned. What if they had programmed him to be some sort of 'Manchurian Candidate' and wiped his memory of it? What if the way he'd been faked his death to escape hadn't been his own desperate play but planted, and chosen to mask that...? The thought that this feeling of not fitting like he should, not really knowing himself anymore, was not because he was readjusting, but because he really wasn't who he should be was chilling...
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