Suvivor, guilty or not

Posted on Sun Feb 18th, 2024 @ 8:40pm by Lieutenant Commander Sofia Nikedoros & Lieutenant Commander Lylja Tigerlilly

2,554 words; about a 13 minute read

Lylja took a sip of chocolate milk and sighed. It is not that she disliked counselors or talking with them, but she has logged nearly sixty hours with counselors over the last four weeks and that seemed quiet enough to her. But orders were orders. She tapped her comm badge, "Put me through to Counseling please."

"Affirmative."

"Tigerlilly, here, freshly arrived om colony. I should be flagged for an appointment as space is available, can you let me know when that is and who I should ask for?"

"That would be me," came a warm voice in reply. "Counselor Nikedoros. We can meet at the hospital later today, or if you're free now, you can come by chapel. My office there is a bit less formal."

"I prefer less formal," Lylja said, "I will be right over but you will excuse me if it takes a bit, I am still learning my way around."

"Perfectly fine," Sofia replied. "The chapel is roughly midway between Starfleet HQ and the center of town, not far from the hospital. Look for a tall A-frame. Don't hesitate to comm if you get lost."

True to her prediction, it took her a few minutes longer than it should have for the Caitian to arrive. She turned off the music in her earpieces and looked around the chapel, both in interest about the building and to find her way to the Counselor.

The Counselor appeared a moment later, having been in the sanctuary preparing for the next service and taking advantage of the large windows all around to keep watch for someone arriving. "Welcome," she said, offering a hand. "I'm Counselor Nikedoros, or Sofia since you prefer less formal. My office is just back through the alcove, or if you like, I can set up a privacy dome so we can meet in garden," she offered with warm smile. "My last felinoid patient felt more at ease resting on a tree branch."

Lylja took the hand in a firm grasp and laughed at the idea of being perched in a tree. "No tree sitting for me but being outside sounds lovely, Sofia. It is nice to be outside after being confined to stations and ships. And I would be happy to help set up the dome, such tasks are what Ops is for."

"There is something refreshing about a garden," Sofia agreed, turning a hand to indicate the direction as she escorted Lylja to the rear of the chapel. Through the doors a short cloister walk passed to a garden of native plants and trees that provided the view through the high windows behind the chancel. Immediately in front a small fountain of water flowing over rocks into a shallow pool surrounded by a spiral path from which several trails diverged. "Since you clearly have the expertise, I'll let you pick a spot to set up the dome."

Lylja nodded and produced a tricorder, she did a quick scan of the area. "What about that bench?" she gestured, smoothly returning the tricorder to her satchel and producing a datapad. "A level one screen should be sufficient, yes? We do not have too many spies about do we?" she asked with a mischievous smile.

"If we do, they are very, very good at staying hidden," Sofia replied with a soft laugh. "But set it to whatever level makes you feel secure. Do you want anything to drink? I can get tea or anything else you might like."

"Andorian The, Ajzure blend 7 with extra cream, please," said Lylja. "I will set it to level two security because it makes looking out feel like an impressionist painting." The field shimmered into existence and did make the world on the other side seem softly blurred.

Lylja took a seat on the edge of the bench so as to allow room for her tail.

"Coming right up." Sofia went back into the chapel and a moment later returned with a tray with two cups of tea, which she set on the bench before taking a seat on the other side. "Now then, I've taken a look at your file, but before I ask questions about you, is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

She shook her head. "No. And no reflection on you or your skills Counselor, I am just a bit tired of talking about myself. I lost a few years and I will have to rebuild and catch up with my family over, we were quite close, and now they need to adjust to me being back. My friends have moved on. And my entire ship was lost directly or indirectly to the Borg. It is a lot to process, and I am grateful for Starfleet for letting me work while I do that, Without some sort of task to focus on . . ." She spread her hands hopelessly,

"You would have to focus on processing all of that change and loss instead," Sofia finished for her, though gently. "Filling that space with work is a normal impulse, and as I was recently reminded by someone with the same tendency, it provides a sense of agency - something positive that you can do when facing things you can do little to change. So, it can be healthy. As long as it's a constructive part of re-establishing your sense of self" she tipped a brow at Lylja, "and not a way to avoid dealing with trauma."

"Believe me, I have had some good cries over the last few weeks," said Lylja with a lopsided smile. "But I have never let rough times and bad news keep me down. The hardest part was recording personal messages for the families of the crew I knew well enough to say things about. I wanted to do that while the memories were still fresh in my mind. I admit that I hope that they still will be found, safe and sound, but that flame is dwindling." She lapsed into a reflective silence for a moment. "The worst thing is not knowing what happened if they were lost, killed, or captured. I know I was lucky and it seems . . . unfair that no one else was."

It was good that she'd recorded those messages and the Counselor checked that step off in a mental list. But it was a catharsis that only went so far. "I'm sure during all the talking about yourself that you've had to do, someone has already spoken with you about survivor's guilt and how it's part of a larger post-traumatic syndrome. So let me stop you on that last thought. You suffered something horrific - a Borg attack, the loss of your ship, crewmates, and also years of time. That isn't being lucky. Yes, you survived, but the idea that your survival is unfair, the result of unwarranted luck," she shook her head. "That isn't the case. It can be difficult to dismiss the feelings that it is though. Which is why we're talking about them."

Lylja nodded. "I know it was a cosmic roll of the dice. But it is had the shake the feeling, you know? But people have survived much worse, as long as I am alive, I can help to keep the memories of the Apollo and its crew alive, and I like to think that is a good thing. Fully putting that all behind me will take time but I have that time. And people to talk to and things to do, so I am not in a bad place. Just a little sad now and then." She took a sip of The.

Sofia also sipped her tea, reflecting that if she had a credit for every time someone had told her they were okay, or not so bad, she could probably buy out the Bray Foundation. Not that she'd necessarily want to, but it was certainly a measure of frequency. In her own assessment, Lylja was in no immediate danger of crisis, but there were flags - not bright red perhaps, but definite warning signals. She'd been there in the aftermath of Hobus and while she hadn't been able to treat many Romulans, who after all had a healthy (for people who had spent their lives in a police state) suspicion of opening up about their feelings to anyone, she had seen survivor's guilt and what it could lead to if left unaddressed. She'd also seen a species of it in personnel who had been among the relief workers, herself included - even when you weren't directly a survivor, in witnessing the aftermath of such devastation it was impossible not to be deeply struck by 'there but for the grace of God go I'.

"Keeping their memories alive is a good thing," she agreed. "And engaging with others, at work or socially is a positive sign. We want to keep you on that path, especially as survivor's guilt is deceptive.; it's worst effects can hit years after the original cause. So, since we have time, and I'm here for you to talk to, tell me about these times when you feel sad."

Lylja looked into her The. "The worst part about communicating with the families . . . the Apollo was not a large ship, two hundred and eleven crew apart from me, and as the XO, I met most of them. But how much can you say about a person who you spent fifteen minutes with reviewing reports? Or helped them with a computer program? How much comfort is it to say that they were an upstanding member of Starfleet? Was that even true? I knew about thirty or forty people well enough to pass on some anecdote or story about them but so many were just people who you briefly touched. I wanted to help give the families something to hold onto but for much of the crew, I could only offer platitudes. And that made me very sad, as they were people, they deserved better. It was heartbreaking to look at a personnel file and think, 'Oh yes, I remember he ordered that silly cocktail in the lounge' and that was it, your only memory of a person who had a complete life and was now, probably, gone forever." She took a sip of tea. "If I drank, that would have driven me to do so." She offered a lopsided grin.

"I have seen too much destruction in my short life, Counselor. But I still want to build a better universe for people. That is why it is nice to be on a colony world for awhile, you get to see things being built, things getting better. I will miss the travel but I think being here will be good for me."

A colony on which the Captain has been abducted... Sofia's heart had gone out to the young woman as she described her struggle with writing to the families, and she thought of how to break it to her that the colony was not necessarily a safe haven. The holding on that was bringing bouts of 'sadness' could be addressed first. "We are building, and I find being on a planet so full of life revitalizing. But we are not without our struggles - the HQ built in the wreckage of the Io is testament to that. I was among the last group transported off when she went down." She paused a moment, looking into her tea as if she could see those last moments in its depths. "Not everyone survived; the Captain was among the lost, as were most of the medical staff. The XO survived, but he was also a doctor and his skills were needed there, so I was the one to handle most of the letters to the families." She looked back up with a rueful smile. "So, I know exactly what it's like to try to say something about people you've known for weeks, or barely know. My only advantage was that it wasn't the first time, and when I felt as you do now, I could draw on the advice another Counselor once gave me: It is not your job to remember them or keep their memories alive. Tell their families what you can and pass the candle of memory to them. Their loved ones knew them fully, and they will keep that flame."

Lylja nodded slowly. "I know colonies are a struggle all their own, I served on one before, Leto." She gave a lopsided grin. "I was certainly not expecting to be able to slack off. Not that I would want to."

She met the Counselor's eyes, her expression again serious. "But, truly, thank you. It is a comfort to know that other people have gone through the same process and come out of it well."

"It is a process, and not a linear progression; there will be ups and downs. I want you to know that whenever you need to support, I'm here for you, not just as a Counselor, but as a fellow survivor." A wry smile crossed her lips. "You are less alone in that here than you may think." It had been over year now and though they still met on the anniversary on the crash, the support groups for Io had largely disbanded. But it wasn't unusual to have someone show up at her door because some random incident had triggered the memory.

Setting her tea aside, Sofia folded her hands in her lap. "But I think I have a good idea of where you're at with respect to the issues that mandated counseling. I'd like to know more about you simply as a person. What are your hobbies? Interests? Where do you find joy?"

"My hobbies?" said Lylja, thinking. "Mostly physical things, I do some martial arts, I love to listen to music and poetry but mostly, dance. In fact as soon as I am settled in, I intend to find a dance club and act on the words of the great Terran philosopher, Jim Henson, 'Dance your cares away. Worry's for another day. Let the music play.'"

Sofia laughed softly at the reference. "I'm fond of poetry myself, and music, but I am not much of a dancer. I know there are clubs here though, and if you don't find them yourself, I can point you an officer who is a good dancer." And who could stand to have someone push him into practicing that philosophy. "It sounds as though you have several healthy forms of relaxation."

"Well, if you ever want to come dancing, I would be happy to accompany you," said Lylja. "And I am also happy to have company. Dancing is better with other people and best with friends."

"I'll keep it in mind," Sofia replied with a smile. "If you find circle dancing, I can do a decent hora. In any case, I hope you find many friends to dance with here, and unless you have any questions or other issues you want to discuss, I think I can let you go for today."

Lylja nodded and finished her The. "Thank you for your time, Counselor, it really does help to talk about it." She stood. "I look forward to seeing you around in both official and unofficial capacities."

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Suvivor, guilty or not